Thursday, August 2, 2012

the neverending wait

I have hesitated to write a bitter post detailing how hopeless and frustrated and beaten I feel just because I tell myself surely, surely soon I'll be able to post the happiest post thus far in my life.  I don't want to taint that elation with bitterness posted just days or weeks before and I don't want people reading those posts back to back and thinking, "Oh, if only she had been a little more patient.  Look, just 4 days ago she was thinking this would never happen and now here's her referral post!"  But seriously, I've been feeling this way for a long time now and I don't honestly think that after 26 months on the waitlist anyone could think, 'if only she had been a little more patient.' 

It would be one thing if there just weren't any babies or children that needed adoptive parents.  If all of the children in Ethiopia already had a loving family that could provide for them and THAT'S why we're left waiting.  But that's not why we're waiting!  There are children that need us as badly as we need them!  But I can't do anything to make it go faster.  I'm stuck with my hands tied.  I don't really even have anyone to blame.  I want to blame my agency but I constantly remind myself that surely, they are doing everything as quickly as possible to match children with families.  But then I remember that we've been waiting over 2 years on the waitlist to be matched and can't manage to come up with a good explanation as to how it's possible for things to move so slowly.  

In the beginning I made a paper timeline to mark our progress and over the months and years I've had to add significantly to it.  I just realized the other day that at the end of next month I'm going to have to add to it again.  My timeline is going to be over a yard long.  ARG!!  How frustrating!  And knowing that we could receive our referral today but that we probably won't.  ARG!!!  Frustrating too!  And that no one can give me an answer to how much longer we'll be waiting?!  SUPER FRUSTRATING! 

So... that's how I'm feeling right now.  Perhaps by finally posting this I'll cause our referral to happen and forever people will read back to back ARG/Eeeeeeee!!!!  posts.  So be it.  I dare the universe to make me have to post those back to back and to make me wonder
if I'd just been a little more patient........