Thursday, August 2, 2012

the neverending wait

I have hesitated to write a bitter post detailing how hopeless and frustrated and beaten I feel just because I tell myself surely, surely soon I'll be able to post the happiest post thus far in my life.  I don't want to taint that elation with bitterness posted just days or weeks before and I don't want people reading those posts back to back and thinking, "Oh, if only she had been a little more patient.  Look, just 4 days ago she was thinking this would never happen and now here's her referral post!"  But seriously, I've been feeling this way for a long time now and I don't honestly think that after 26 months on the waitlist anyone could think, 'if only she had been a little more patient.' 

It would be one thing if there just weren't any babies or children that needed adoptive parents.  If all of the children in Ethiopia already had a loving family that could provide for them and THAT'S why we're left waiting.  But that's not why we're waiting!  There are children that need us as badly as we need them!  But I can't do anything to make it go faster.  I'm stuck with my hands tied.  I don't really even have anyone to blame.  I want to blame my agency but I constantly remind myself that surely, they are doing everything as quickly as possible to match children with families.  But then I remember that we've been waiting over 2 years on the waitlist to be matched and can't manage to come up with a good explanation as to how it's possible for things to move so slowly.  

In the beginning I made a paper timeline to mark our progress and over the months and years I've had to add significantly to it.  I just realized the other day that at the end of next month I'm going to have to add to it again.  My timeline is going to be over a yard long.  ARG!!  How frustrating!  And knowing that we could receive our referral today but that we probably won't.  ARG!!!  Frustrating too!  And that no one can give me an answer to how much longer we'll be waiting?!  SUPER FRUSTRATING! 

So... that's how I'm feeling right now.  Perhaps by finally posting this I'll cause our referral to happen and forever people will read back to back ARG/Eeeeeeee!!!!  posts.  So be it.  I dare the universe to make me have to post those back to back and to make me wonder
if I'd just been a little more patient........  


Ellen said...

I think posting it will move the mountains. I just returned from Ethiopia Saturday and I bet I met your child while there...we just don't know which one yet. I pray for peace and that it happens soon. Waiting stinks...waiting at the top really really stinks. I am sorry.


*Ashley Lou* said...

How you are feeling is real. REAL. And real isn't always easy and it's certainly not fun right now. But it's real. And you deserve to get to be honest and frustrated and angry and tired because 2 years is a LONG time. A LONG TIME!

I can't wait to read that amazing post when you have looked into your little one's eyes...but I would never look back and think "ahh, see, she just needed more patience". Because I have been in that weary place of wondering how THIS could possibly be His Plan.

All I am confident of is that God won't leave you in this place. I am praying He gives you your heart's desire tomorrow but if He doesn't? I am still confident that He won't leave you here. There WILL be a day when you look into your child's eyes and thank God for His goodness.

But until that day, you have every right to be Real around here.

It's hard. You've been strong and patient and pursued with diligence. Your pursuit hasn't been in vain.


Christie said...

Thank you so much for your kind and supportive words. I can really use them right now! :)

Jean said...

Hang in there - I know you've heard this before, but it CAN'T be long now. 2012 will be the year.

All the best,
(S-DC family)

Brenda said...

I think of you guys often... Hoping everytime I visit your blog, it's The Call post!!!!!!! Go Ahead and VENT girl;) It is completely understandable. Once you see that precious face of your child you'll know why you were waiting!!! RING PHONE RING

Anonymous said...

You are so valid in how you're feeling...this wait is so incredibly hard. Praying for you guys and hoping that it will certainly be SOON!!

JJ said...

Praying you get that call SOON!!! I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. I guarantee that everyone of us, whether we waited 8 months or over 2 years for a referral have felt exactly the same way! Soon you will be looking into the face of the baby God has just for you! Hang in there!!!!!

Missy at Its Almost Naptime said...

You have every right to be frustrated. The waiting sucks sister. Everyone keeps telling me once we hold our daughter in our arms we'll forget all about the wait...yeah but I'm not buyin it ;)

It will be worth it tho. That much I know.

I want to stamp my food like Veruca Salt "I want an Oompa Loompa NOW!" but God has never, ever worked on my time table, and I've always been grateful for it.

Okay, I'm done preaching to both of us :)

you only live once said...

You are on my mind today...praying for you! --Elaine

Kirstin C said...

Oh girl. I totally posted a "waiting sucks" post four days before we got our referral. And that was even before the giant slow-down. I am praying for you! You are frustrated for all the right reasons. I'm praying that God will bring your child safely into your arms as soon as possible!